Building Assertiveness Skills

Building assertiveness skills is one of the most important things an individual can do. It affects everything. Unfortunately we aren't taught these skills growing up and assertiveness skills are often neglected in life. Usually passive aggression reins supreme.

Now I'm not saying that you need to go around picking fights 'being all assertive'. It is just in certain situations that you need to be assertive to maintain your sanity.

Two areas that I find that are particularly affected by assertiveness or lack there of is (1) Anger Management (2) Anxiety.

The ultimate irony with people who suffer from anger management is that they are horrified of confrontation. Just recently I had a professional fighter came in for anger management counseling. After speaking with him for a while, it emerged that he was horrified of confrontation, especially with his wife. So what happens is the he would avoid conflict and be a 'yes man' and it would build and build and then one day he would explode. Unfortunately his way of dealing with anger is to be physically aggressive. Which isn't on. This may also be one reason for domestic violence and abuse. Lack of assertiveness and inability to handle confrontation.

But people still get confused about when they need to be assertive. I say choose your battles and choose the big ticket items. Don't sweat the small stuff. For example, I had a client come in and was complaining about the state of the house and always having to 'nag' her husband and children to clean up. And she really focused on this. But the bigger ticket item for her was the lack of respect that other members of her family gave her and how they took her for granted. She never bother to talk to them about this bigger ticket item. Strange really.

I like to refer to them as defining moments. Defining moments when you need to be assertive and make an issue of something. Choose wisely because it takes effort to be assertive and make sure that it is related to you bigger ticket items. Other people like to refer to this as boundary setting as well. To know what your important boundaries are and be very clear when other people cross them.

Its hard because we don't like to say no and disappoint people. What will they do? They might not like us? They may never talk to us again. This is a fear of abandonment.

Building assertiveness skills is an important aspect of life and something that everyone should be mindful of.

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Why Are We So Angry?

I'm constantly amazed at how much anger management is a problem in today's society. It is one of the most common problems that men and women are facing along with depression and anxiety. I think society and social norms have a big part to play in explaining this phenomenon. I would go as far as to say that depression and anxiety is caused by anger management problems.

Men are scared to express any emotion (e.g., Anger) at all and people are generally scared of them when they do, even when it is through healthy assertiveness. This is especially the case in relationships. The stereotype of the 'Yes Dear' laid back emotional partner/ husband is ingrained in males today. So they avoid confrontation at all costs.

I firmly believe that assertiveness in Australian and western society is lacking. I believe that we are socialised to be too polite and really not very honest at all in our dealings with others. In other cultures confrontation is just expected (e.g., Italian, Latino Cultures), which I think is a good thing and more importantly it is normal and natural.

And then you go to work in an organisation. What happens when you have a disagreement with someone? You have to put it in a stupid e-mail. Of course the whole world gets cc'd into the often vicious conversation, meaning that neither party is prepared to stand down from their position. Why to cover you back-side in case the situation gets escalated or HR get called in to mediate at tribunal.

But it is also a problem for females as well, especially for 40 - 50-year old mothers who fall into the sterotype of being the perfect mother. What ever happened to the 'good enough mother'. Why can't it be sexy for men to see a female slightly losing and getting passionate.

A great movie to watch on this subject is: The Upside of Anger (if you can stand Kevin Costner).

The subject has been discussed by many great Australian authors such as Patrick Smith. They talk about the Aussie Surf Culture (or lack there of). Maybe it is that and we as a country need to get a better and stronger national identity.

And possibly it comes from getting part of our national identity from the English. Having spent a year over in London I can say for a fact that they definitely avoid conflict and are masters at passive aggression (often via email). And that's the problem..... Passive Aggression. It is the worst type of aggression. It is game playing, manipulation and ultimately ends in tears and worse.

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